Time Goes On

It has been years since I have said anything here. In all honesty I forgot about it. My life moved on and this portion of it simply fell into the background. Some things have changed in all this time....some things did not. Still not married but still with the same wonderful man child . Still no children but i have fish now . I am adulting properly now, have a job and a house . i say all this to say that time goes on .

I have not been stagnate in this time, no i have been moving forward with time. Move forward, move on, move...because time moves on.

All Good Things

It is so weird for me to know that people do actually read this. You know who you are you sneaky people you, I can see the page views btw. Why do you not comment? I would love to talk to you about the things I say on here, the opinions you have, anything. Oh well, your loss I suppose. I'm fantastic to talk to.

All Good Things Come to Those Who Wait.....isn't that the saying of the century. I actually despise that saying, as I've said before I dislike waiting. I guess the other way to look at that is that all good things come to those who persevere. I like that better. For instance, I have finished writing a book. Yes an actually full length novel, ME, I did this. Bet you never saw that coming, HA! Anyway, it took an entire year, and now I am slowly rereading it, changing everything, and adding all the stuff I missed the first time around. Talk about annoying, though I suppose I should be proud of what I have accomplished. Not that you care, because you never let me know that you care. Anyway moving on.

I am not moving to Florida, mostly because I didn't get in to Disney, mostly because plans change thus is life, but mostly because it wasn't financially beneficial for me. Still getting married, still trying to be responsible. Have I mentioned that I hate waiting? I want to be married already, even if it will be with an overgrown man-child as my fiance tends to act sometimes. Still love him. I want to be married because I want to have kids and I believe one must come before the other. Sue me. In reality having children now wouldn't be the best thing to happen, but well. I still want kids.

What is something good in this world? I think nature is good, in essence it is all the good and the bad of this world. Humans are fundamentally flawed, I don't use them to gauge what is good and what is bad. When you break it down we are all just mammals at heart. Nature is all the good things and all the bad things in this world, and right now it is beautiful outside my window. All good things....

Apologies for rambling...it's been one of those weeks.

The Future

It has been forever and a day since the last time I updated this blog. So much has happened, I hardly know where to start. For those of you who do read this (and yet never respond, bad people) I got engaged over thanksgiving break. YEAH ME! Moving on....

It has come to my attention recently that I need to start thinking about my future. And not in the, oh you'll be out of school soon maybe you should get on that way. No recently it was brought to my attention that I am now an adult, and as such I have responsibilities. I don't want them and would gladly give them back to my parents where they rightfully belong. However, it seems like that is no longer an option. I will be graduating this time next year, and I have plans made. Suddenly I have a whole two year plan set up and ready to be fulfilled. I even created it all on my own, aren't I a big girl. But there are issues with my plan, let me tell you of them.

1. I will be moving to Florida. I plan on doing something called the Disney College Program. This is a wonderful program that every business major should do, not only will it give you leadership skills to put on your resume, if you are as lucky as I hope I will be you could potentially get a job with Disney. And I'm sorry but honestly who doesn't want to work with Disney. Sounds wonderful no? Problem: All my family lives in Georgia. Now to most that wouldn't seem like such a problem, but for me....I'm panicking just a bit. The farthest I have ever been without my family is the week I spent in Florida last spring break....and that was a vacation. I will be possibly living in a different state from the rest of my family for two years......did I mention my fiance is still going to be in Georgia as well.....

2. My fiance. The single most wonderful man I have ever met in my life will not be coming with me. He will be staying in Georgia finishing his own schooling....or going back to South Carolina to be closer to his family and finish his own schooling. In either case he will not be where I am, and I will miss him so very very much.

3. Those responsibilities I was talking about earlier. There is so much I will suddenly be accountable for...like my grocery budget, or my phone plan, or my housing bills, or my gas......all of which comes from my parents at the moment. Yes I acknowledge that I am very spoiled. NOT THE POINT! I do not know how to budget, in fact I am sure I will be destitute within a week of getting there. Can I ask my parents for help? Of course. Can I take classes on money management? Yes, yes I can. Will I do either of these things? In all likely-hood no I will not. Why you may ask? Because its time to put on my big girl pants and learn how to do things for myself. After all I don't want to be a burden to society.

That all being said I am actually looking forward to the time that this all comes to pass. But for now I shall continue on as I have. Eating oreos and pretending I'm a ninja.

To Those Who Wait

It seems like it has been forever since I last said anything here. Granted much has happened, and yet I didn't feel like there was anything to say. I am at the point in my life when everything is looked at through eyes trying to gauge the future. If I take these classes, what will my degree eventually be? If I take this job, what will my resume say about me? If I fall in love with this man, will I end up happy? Some people go through this stage earlier in life, some later.

Good things come to those who wait.....I have never been very good at waiting. Unless it was for a very good reason (waiting for my favorite show to come on once a week, or waiting for the next installment of a wonderful book to come out) I have hated waiting. When I wait I grow anxious. When I grow anxious I start to plot, to make plans to relive my anxiety. This usually only makes it worse, but the cycle continues. Lately though, I have learned that waiting without plotting can have great outcomes.

......This post has no point it seems, only to say that I am still learning important lessons about life. I will continue to do so until the day that I die, but it is nice to acknowledge the universe once in a while and say "Hey, I get what you are trying to say. Thanks."

For Granted

                  There are things in life that have happened to me that I think it take for granted. Like I have two loving and supportive parents, who have always been there for me and kept me on the straight and narrow without killing my artistic side. Many people, more than I like to believe, come from broken families. Sometimes I take money for granted. I am not by any means rich, however, my family has been well enough off that I have never wanted for anything in my short life. Again I could name on two hands the number of people I know whose situation is as polar opposite from mine as can be. In my short 20 years of life there is, though very small, one thing that I have never taken for granted. My eyesight. You see it is hard to take for granted what is slowly slipping away. When I entered the second grade all those many years ago, I started to know what the phrase "I can't see" really meant. Not in relation to standing behind someone taller than you in a line, or attempting to see far off into the horizon like my parents. No this was a loss of physical sight, things were starting to get blurry. And so I got my first pair of glasses. When I then say that from that moment on my eyes began to deteriorate, I do not mean that as an exaggeration. Over the next 12-14 (can't exactly remember my age when I got them) years of my life I went from one prescription a year, to two and then to three. My eyesight was worsening at an astounding rate, even more astounding in that mine were the only eyes in the family to be doing so. All other family members with eye problems did not develop them until their mid to late 40's. So why was I different? Why was I heading toward total blindness like a bullet train without a conductor? After a while I stopped questioning it, the glasses simply became a part of me.
                 As I got older and began to discover the challenges that come with getting older, I started to use my glasses as a security blanket. Unfortunately, I have a very expressive face. This face shows exhaustion, anger, happiness, and even malice without hesitation or provocation. Behind the thick frames of my glasses it was easier to hide these things. Oh the happiness showed through in my smiles, sadness in the way my shoulders dropped, and even anger could be spied in the clenching of my fists. I suppose my whole body is expressive. But it was the malice that I wished to hide the most. The snide comments I made in my head that created lines of disgust next to my eyes. The look of extreme disapproval or worse as if I was looking down on you when I allowed myself to ruminate on how I actually felt about the people I dealt with. Don't misunderstand I am not a mean person by nature. But I am not confrontational. I would rather say something that I know would sooth your frayed nerves then speak my mind and jump into an argument. There are very few people I argue with, almost none of these people reside outside of my family. Now it is harder to hide this side of me. I don't have the thick frames to cower behind when I feel my spiteful side raise her ugly head and sneer at someone I know I could verbally punch into the ground. Maybe, eventually I will get better at hiding her again, as I haven't had to in the past. So I can not take for granted the protection that my glasses brought me, even as they hindered me in life. Loosing them was like being pushed into a lake without the ability to do more than dog paddle. I would not immediately drown, but as the time past and I could not find them the panic would rise, my strokes would turn wild and I would eventually sink. I have had more than a few panic attacks over missing glasses. Now that will no longer be an issue.
               So I must be grateful, and I am immensely so. I have never received a grater gift besides the gift of life. My eyesight has now completed me, I am as perfect as I can be. But still, part of me worries for that selfish, malicious part of me just under the surface. It will be harder to hide her now.....I'll just have to learn.

Anticipation and other complicated emotions.

Remember those Christmas Eves when you would go to bed as late as possible? I used to. I used to believe that if I went to sleep as close to Christmas Day as possible that I would sleep for less time and be able to get to my presents faster. I was filled with a sense of anticipation. What would I get, would I like it, what would my brother get? So many questions. For some reason I thought that when I got older I would stop anticipating the joys of Christmas Day present opening....but I still go to sleep as late as possible. In college there are many different things that can fill you with anticipation.

Like for instance those days leading up to getting the results from a previous test. Nervousness, Dread, and Anticipation. Those are your feelings for that. As you get closer to the end of college it becomes anticipation of graduation. The finish line is straight ahead, all you need to do now is sprint for it. And then there is the other type of nervous anticipation that involves other people in college. Like, I'm going to ask this person out I hope I don't get rejected. Or I'm going to go dancing, I wonder if anyone will dance with me. Not so much worries as random thoughts that sit in your brain and play out different scenarios based on what you know about your subject. The more you know the longer and more elaborate the scenario.

Is there a difference between the nervous feeling you get right before you stand before a lecture hall full of students and present something and the nervous feeling you get right before a first date? Yes, No? I'm not sure chemically speaking its the same reaction. A quickening of pulse, a slightly queezy feeling, and a nice dosage of anticipation (either for the end of the presentation to come so you can sit down, or for the date to start so you can determine whether you have finally found a successful match or are just wasting your time again.) In truth I'm not sure if the feelings are different. For that matter are any feelings different based on the circumstances that they occur in?

For instance are you the same kind of happy when a sibling is born as you are when you get married? Or are you the same kind of frustrated when you cant understand a concept in class as you are when you cant seem to open a pickle jar. Or even....are you the same sad as when a friend betrays you as you are when a loved one dies? Do the circumstances matter? Can your emotions (chemical reactions brought on by a change in your environment causing  a hormonal shift in your body) truly be completely different in one situation and the next?

.....This post was brought to you by that 1:35 am feeling and too much time to myself. Thank You.

Be Truthful

I would like to talk about lying, but not lying to one another. I would like to take a little trip into Lying To Yourself. Its actually a very simple concept and one that many people do on a regular basis. When you tell yourself that one more cookie won't ruin your diet, or that telling your child a small white lie is best for them and won't come back to bite you in the ass, this is a form of lying to yourself. Now I'm not saying that doing this is an all around bad thing, especially since most people do it subconsciously and don't even notice. No I am talking about those people out there that know that they are lying to themselves, that continue to lie to themselves and eventually start to believe their lies. This is especially dangerous because once you start to believe your own lies you start to share your lies with others as the truth. I don't plan to rant on this as I find that the subject tends to be so simple it becomes an abstract concept that many just can't seem to wrap their heads around.....no I want to admit my own lying. I have lied to myself for many years that I will be happier if I have someone in my life, romantically. In high school I didn't care if that person was male or female as long as I had someone to claim. In college I settled for males because the drama of being with a female is too much for even me, however, this trend of roping myself to someone has been alive and well within me for years. I have lied to myself many times, saying things like "You won't be happy if you don't get a boyfriend." or "Time is starting to run out, hurry up and settle down." This has becoming more common especially in the recent years. I admit this....I repent this, but I also respect this lie. It has become so deep rooted that it is impossible to fully dislodge. Because of this I feel justified in allowing myself to get this concept off my chest. I am fine being single. I do not need someone in my life romantically to be happy. These are truths, in fact they are well known and wide spread truths....so much so that most people forget about them. I am only 20 years old and have my entire life ahead of me. I do not need to tie myself down to someone when at times I can barley keep up with my own emotions, that isn't fair to the person I am with, and it sure as hell isn't fair to me. Now I know and understand that I will slide down this slippery slope of desperation again as anyone would in my situation, but I hope to impart words of wisdom on all who find themselves in my position. Stop freaking out about it and just live your life. I have found that on the rare occasions when I stop planning every second of every day, when I stop over thinking every single action I make and when I simply go with the flow that everything turns out much better than I ever could have planned. Go with the Flow. Live Life without Interference. And Love Freely....that would be my advice. Although life has no guarantees, living it this way makes things a lot easier to handle.